


To Feel You, My Love

by Dani-Claytons-Brown-Eye (WithAChainsaw)



Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV), The Turn of the Screw - Henry James
Genre: Body Horror, Canon Compliant, Danielle Clayton is Losing Her Marbles, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Gay Panic, Ghost Studies AU, Horrific Happenings, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I think this passes the bechdel test, I wrote this while listening to the screams of mortals, POV Dani, POV Jamie, Psychological Horror, Some Humor, heteronormativity is spooky, let’s go lesbians
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:14:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28759395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WithAChainsaw/pseuds/Dani-Claytons-Brown-Eye
Summary: Sleeping. Waking. Walking. Dani Clayton, unpossessed, was as restless and uneasy as the day Viola Lloyd’s soul would enter her body. So when she first laid eyes on Jamie Taylor, the manor’s gardener, she lost her fucking mind.//or: a profiling of things Bly houses—living and dead—reflected in Dani’s eyes like a Cronenberg monster.
Relationships: Dani Clayton & Edmund O'Mara, Dani Clayton & Viola Lloyd, Dani Clayton/Jamie
Kudos: 6





	To Feel You, My Love

Many years later, as her eyes fixed on a reflective china vase a few paces down the hall from her room, Danielle Clayton was to remember that distant afternoon when her uncle took her to discover the potential of a lake frozen over.

They were set on a cleared patch of Pinky’s Glen in Fremont; it was an hour and thirty drive from Fairfax, but it felt longer. Even at ten years old, Dani had propagated a mature hatred for Uncle Marvin’s music taste, and 99% of bluegrass, she reasoned, was an abomination against God and some of the worst music ever produced in history. So, naturally, she did not speak a word until they were out of the car and their skates were laced.

“You should really let me pick the radio station next time,” Dani said, and positioned herself at the edge of the lake, unsteadily balancing on the blades of her skates. “Some Eagles or Bee Gees wouldn’t hurt you.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Uncle Marvin said, and stepped forward beside her. His beard was red and his cheeks slopped around when he talked. “You kids wouldn’t know good music if it slapped you in the face.”

Young Dani ignored that and let her eyes wander. A couple kids were already out there piddling around, their legs bowing in and out and their breaths puffing in the cold January air. Their parents clutched the mittened hands of their children and cooed whenever their kids did something slightly entertaining. She hated seeing them flail their arms. She hated them and she hated being one of them.

“Uncle Marvin, can we go home?”

“Aw, geez, Danielle. What’s got you all worked up now? It’s just some ice.”

He graced the lake with ease and without a break of pace. For good measure, Marvin stood on his tippy-toes, the back corners of his blades standing up. In the corner of Dani’s eye, a distracted kid in a puffy coat buzzed by. He panicked, attempting a shaky stop, and got utterly nailed by a mailbox.

“Whoa. Can any of those kids balance like that?”

“Nope. Just the Claytons. Your daddy would’ve taught you soon enough.” Marvin’s face darkened, remembering his recently deceased brother. “I know it’s not the same, ‘cause he’s not here, but it’s in the family blood, honey. I’m not leaving this earth till you learn.”

“‘Kay, that’s fair.”

Soon enough, Dani was skating slowly around the outer edge of the clear patch, wishing she could glide like those pretty girls on the television, listening to the abrasive screams of the kid that fell into the mailbox, _my head my head am I bleeding,_ also listening to the ice thud and shift and rasp mysteriously under the blanket of snow farther out in the distance, the murmurs of adults, _no of course you’re not,_ the crackling of barren tree branches.

Ten-year-old Dani Clayton had glanced down shakily at the glassy sheen of ice under her feet, had focused on her reddened face, and God, has it felt so long since she’s been able to look at herself without Eddie staring back.

In the midst of her wistful walk down memory lane, Dani had ventured downstairs for a glass of chardonnay. Currently, she was clad in a thick wool blanket, drink in hand, fighting the sleep threatening to pull her under. 

It's not that Dani _couldn’t_ sleep. The opposite, really. There was an exhaustion deep in her mind, throbbing at the slopes behind her ears. 

She hadn’t slept well since she arrived at Bly earlier in the day, so early in the morning that it was more accurate to call it night. She hadn’t ever been a morning person, but at the time, there'd been so much to do. The children needed to be checked on and taken to. There were introductions to be made, and bags to be unpacked. Then there was the call to Henry, which she’d gotten no answer to, the bastard.

Flora had taken her on a walk through the grounds, once the rest of Dani’s checklist had been completed. _“Our gardening shed, frequented by Miss Jamie. And she’s perfectly splendid.”_ They turned the corner of the house, and a stone pathway dusted with leaves entered their view. _“The path to the courtyard, to the north. And it’s perfectly splendid.”_ They followed the path, made their way around the croquet mallets and hoops and whatnot, Flora hopping over them like she was made of dry ice. Like she had no weight at all. _“Now we are back to where we began. And it’s all-”_

“Perfectly splendid?”

“ _No,_ that’s not true,” Flora said, with such an air of maturity that Dani blinked in surprise. “Sometimes Uncle Henry doesn’t want to visit us. And the floorboards leading up to the stairs are a bit creaky sometimes. But _most_ of it is splendid.” 

Dani had followed Flora’s gaze to the steaming lake. And if she squinted, she saw bubbles rising from the depths and popping once they reached the surface.

_That_ was it, Dani reasoned. The taint of the place. She didn’t want to sleep, because everything was off. Dani had seen something, before. When she was in the kitchen. 

A man.

_No_....not a man, exactly. But a bird. A bird with a human body; a large, hulking body, draped in black. Bulging, reflective eyes. Hands resting on a dark oak cane, splintered at the bottom like it had been used to jab at something.

Yes, that was it. The bird-man. He’d been watching her pour her glass of wine at the counter. He had been stalking her, but he was calm, like he knew they’d meet again. He took his time, a child observing an anthill before he giggles and gleefully squashes it with his shoe. A drooping, repulsive beak had curled into what looked like a soft, knowing smile.

Dani felt queasy. It was difficult to make sense of it all in the limelight, but she was sure someone had been there. A shadow-person. Quite like Eddie, in that regard. She pulled the quilt more tightly around herself and shivered.

Somehow, someday, she was going to understand her ghosts. She just needed to find out how. And so, she opened the drawer to the side table, and grasped a pad and pen.

She scribbled on the first page, then tore it out and crumpled it and threw it on the side table. The damn pen didn’t work. She put the tip of the pen in her mouth, swirled it around, and put it to paper. Still, nothing.

She begrudgingly left the comfort of the quilt to find another pen. But she took the chardonnay, of course.

The hall to one of the various living rooms on the property was similar to the rest: it boasted the comfiest oriental carpets she had ever stepped on, and was a certain color theme. This hallway was beige and red, skinned in a beautifully subtle striped wallpaper, and totally owned a few black accents mixed in there, mainly the professionally liqueured, dark wood china cabinet and various deep brass lamps dotting the walls. The carpet here was one of the prettiest Dani had seen yet on the property, even in the dim twilight. A wonderfully detailed diamond was in the middle, accented with floral patterns twirling and snaking around the edges of the diamond, and on the most outside edge were small stitched animals—cows and deer and wolves—forever animated in various stages of a gallop, circling the shape in the middle. Dani stared at it for a moment, taking in the details of the white and crimson fringed edges, and decided she was a sheep.

She pulled open a drawer to the china cabinet, careful not to rattle the dishes inside and make a ruckus, and found what she was looking for: a pen, amongst a collection of cards strewn about. Dani also grabbed a set of UNO cards, and turned to make her way back down the hallway.

“What’re you doin’ with those?”

Dani froze in horror. She was certain she was seeing another ghost.

Its back was half-turned, its head positioned in Dani’s direction, as if it had paused in mid-action. The voice was low and quiet, but she reasoned it was a woman according to the body’s silhouette, illuminated scarcely by a window at the other end of the hall. Its hair was a wild mess, but it didn’t seem to care all that much, as it was leaning against the wall like an egomaniac with an enormous attitude. Dani held the pen behind her back and clicked it.

“The fuck was that? Did you just click that pen behind your back?”

“No.”

“Yes, you did. Let me see it.”

Dani brought the pen into view, flush against her chest.

“Now drop it.”

The pen thudded to the floor.

“Now, why the fuck did you think attacking the gardener with a pen was a good idea?”

“Oh. _Oh!_ I am... I’m so sorry! I thought you were-“

_A ghost. A fucking ghost, you dumbass._

“-an intruder. I’m sorry, I don’t think we’ve met before.”

“One sorry’s all that’s necessary,” the intruder said, and stepped out from the shadows. She was in red pajama pants and a tight black t-shirt, but she had shoes on. Her eyes watched Dani scan her, lips curling into a playful sneer. “You know, maybe you should brush up on your ‘fighting-a-scary-intruder’ techniques.”

“Ugh, I know. A fucking _pen?”_

“A fucking pen,” the gardener said, and chuckled. “Well, let’s get this out of the way. I’m Jamie. Usually I’m not here at night, but I left my bag in the living room over there.” She stuck her thumb out towards the room Dani had just left.

Dani revealed her hand awkwardly, UNO cards in that hand and chardonnay in the other, and Jamie shook it.“Would you look at that. Americans have manners.”

Dani laughed. It was light, and airy, and Jamie thought it was the funniest thing she’d heard all day. 

“Well, I’m headed that way anyways,” Dani said, and grabbed the pen off the floor. “Wanna hunt for that bag together?”

“Why not?” Jamie said, and led the charge to the living room. There was a comfortable pause. “You never did answer my question. About the UNO cards.”

“Oh, well, I-“

_You wanted to play fucking UNO with the ghosts. And you’re a fucking bag of bolts._

”-wanted to remember to play with the children, tomorrow. You know, bonding activities.”

“Uh-huh.”

They both arrived at their destination, and Jamie went straight to the coffee table. Dani stayed back as the gardener bent down to check underneath it.

“Don’t tell me that little shit took it,” Jamie sighed, and straightened back up, adjusting the seam of her pants.

“Miles? He should be fast asleep. I’ve been here all night.”

”I mean, before. I left right after dinner.”

“Hm. Have you checked between the cushions?” Dani asked, and stepped forward next to Jamie.

”No. It’s too big. There’s no way it could fit between-“

”Are you sure about that?” Dani said, and triumphantly dangled a large black bag in front of Jamie’s face.

”Fuck you,” Jamie said, snickering, and took the bag. “Where was it?”

“Squashed between the right cushion and the wall of the armrest. I may be a nervous wreck 24/7, but I do have a few motherly instincts.”

“You’re right. My mum could find anything I lost, when I was a little one,” Jamie said. The hint of sadness in her eyes was quickly drowned by curiosity. “How’d you get that power so early? I mean...suppose I’m generalizing, but you seem a bit young for children...“

“Teaching. I’m Dani, by the way,” the au pair said, smiling, and gathered her chardonnay, crumped paper, dead pen, and notepad. She turned her back to head to her bedroom, and she could’ve sworn she felt Jamie’s eyes on her all the way up the stairs.


End file.
